How To Avoid Pretending You Are Trying To Be Helpful
Posted: Sunday, October 28, 2007
by Rachelle Disbennett-Lee, PhD
True Direction, Inc.
I simply don't believe in constructive criticism. You can't build someone up and then tear that person down. The two words simply don't go together. My experience is that most people use the concept of "Constructive Criticism" to criticize. They just want to put the other person down, and they disguise it behind what sounds like a supportive action. I think if someone is going to criticize another it would be more honest to say, "I have something to tell you that is really going to hurt you and make you feel really bad. Ready?"
The second most important thing to do before you provide feedback is to make sure your intentions are to be supportive. Let's face it, criticism isn't about being supportive; instead, criticism is about judgment and ego. If you have to start your feedback with, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way..." or "I don't want to hurt your feelings but..." you're on the wrong track. Feedback might not be easy to give, but you should never feel the need to apologize for it. If you always come from a place of love and compassion when providing feedback, you will never feel the need to apologize for your comments. That doesn't mean it will be easy to give or that the other person will appreciate it; it just means you are doing it for the right reasons.
When providing feedback, ask the other person if he or she is open to hearing it. If the answer is no, honor that and shut up. If the response is yes, share the feedback with them, saying something like, "I have observed..." or "My experience of you when you do this is..." Coming from a neutral position and sharing just the facts as you see them won't put the other person on the defensive and that person will be able to hear what you have to say. Also know that, although your feedback is meant to help, the other person doesn't have to accept it. That's fine. Let it go and move on.
Feedback is a gift you give another person. It is meant to help that person to be the best she or he can be. Anything less loving is not feedback and should not be shared.
This Article has been viewed 850 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Rachelle, Excellent article. Thank you.
Hi Rachelle, Sounds like most of the criticism you've received in the past was anything but constructive (sadly). However I think constructive criticism does not have to mean tearing someone down; I don't think of it as an oxymoron. In fact I regularly receive and give constructive criticism on various poetry forums and attempt to do the same here on searchwarp. Perhaps it's just a matter of semantics; I agree either way that it is a form of feedback. According to dictionary dot com, constructive criticism is "criticism or advice that is useful and intended to help or improve something, often with an offer of possible solutions" That's how I see constructive criticism and the kind I like to receive and give. However you're advice about being positive, how you deliver that feedback and accepting that not everyone will receive it well or even want it in the first place are all very valid and important points. Well put! Thanks for sharing, Ben. Thanks for sharing, Ben.
Great article! I do agree with Ben, however. "Constructive critcism" is an entirely different animal from just plain old "criticism". And maybe this really is only an issue of semantics. Nobody *likes* to be criticized, but if the comments are offered with genuine concern for your welfare, the phrasing of the comments is not so important. I have a couple of friends who are idiots when it comes to communicating effectively, but I know that they care for me and I take their comments as I know they have intended them...not as they have spoken them.
Great article, Rachelle. Not much time to criticize others unless we are perfect ourselves, ay! Lots of kilesas there! (Greed hatred and delusion). We treat others as we treat ourselves, so if we criticize others, that is only a reflection that we criticize ourselves. My expereince has been that criticism doesn't work well regarding change, with ourselves or others. It takes our eye off the ball, it allows us to escape the fact of what is, and move into a fictional area of what should be. And we end up in a constant state of denial. Best...........e
Rachelle, I thought that your article on critcizm was very thought provoking and because of your article, I have a few thoughts for you to consider. I believe that very few people welcome critcizm because it makes us question our actions and at times our inner self. Whether you call it "constructive criticizm" or "feedback" it's still the same. I think that "Feedback" is just another word for "constructive Criticism" Telling someone they have bad breath, is criticizing their hygiene. Telling someone they are late for work is criticizing their poor use of time and pointing out a flaw. You're telling them something that they already know. Who doesn't know when they are late? How can telling them, help? Offering a breath mint and a ride to work might be more helpful. I agree that if you come from a place of anger or meaness behind your comments that it's not a nice thing but loving friends still hurt feelings. I agree that at times a friend may want to vent and then we should sit quietly and listen. However friends also ingage fully in a conversation. Friends who have comments on any given subject should be able to share their thoughts and ideas, after all that's the meaning of communication. We as people need to think about what is said to us and what we say and decide what we can do with the information we decipher from the conversation. Some information can be used immediately, some can be stored for later use and still others can go straight into the junk bin. I would prefer a suggestion or a helping hand to having someone criticize my actions but critcizm can be an oppourtunity that allows us to decide whether we should do something differently. Only when you question, can you improve. After all if everything is perfect why change anything? Criticizm is like controversy, good things can come from it, if we use the criticizm to improve our situation. We may decide that the citicizm that a well meaning friend or an unkind enemy gives us, is what we needed to solidify our deepest beliefs in ourselves. What could be better than that? Best regards
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.